1 year anniversary

Coco Pop the Dog

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This is the first picture I ever saw of Coco and I fell instantly in love. I’d been talking about getting a dog ever since my ex and I broke up in March 2013. It was something just for me. A commitment I was happy to make.

I told my parents I wouldn’t be getting anything too big. A cavalier maybe or a border collie; manageable I promised. But I grew up with German Shepherds. My first ever dog was Denny a beautiful female shepherd. When she passed away we got Zara …. Our first ever foray into pedigree shepherds. She moved with my family interstate even. After Zara was my beloved Yanna, a 6 month rescue pup whose first family didn’t want her. She was my sweetheart – fierce, selective about humans and dogs, a total underdog. We had to work hard for her love…but she adored us so much. A few years after Yanna we introduced Dex…. The first boy and now the biggest shepherd we’ve ever owned at almost 45 kg. He’s a big loveable bear who pretty much likes everyone and everything.

So when I started following the German Shepherd only rescue GSDS in need I still wasn’t planning on adopting a shepherd. But the universe had other plans.

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This was taken the day I brought Coco home with me. I was so nervous the week prior going to the meet n greet with her and the rescue group. I naively didn’t realise how serious these people took their rescue… I had to tell them where she would sleep, how big my yard was, how tall the fences, did I have other pets, what were my qualifications and experience with the German Shepherd breed, etc etc. When I arrived at the park to meet Coco and Lisa (the founder of GSDS in need) Coco ran over to the fence to see me. She ran around and came up a few times shyly to me to say hello or lick me. Then it was the walk test… I must’ve passed because by the end of the meeting she was lying at my feet with one paw on my foot claiming me. Lisa says Coco choose me…. I joke that she took one look at me and thought, ‘this sucker will do whatever I want’.

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It’s not hard to love Coco. Even when she does eat $180 worth of sandals. She’s my dog and I’m her person. Her devotion to me is so sweet and I treasure her love. I don’t know much of her life before me. I try not to think any bad thoughts over her first family that surrendered her for their own private reasons. But I will say now she is so loved.

Coco has taught me many things and I’m always learning from her:
– I’m more patient
– I’ve learnt to accept that everything I own has dog hair on it
– My day starts with a lick from an excitable overgrown puppy who wants to go for her morning walk
– Fanny packs are another word for treat bag
– My food is her food
– Dogs like ice cream too
– My bed is her bed
– Shoes taste delicious to dogs
– As do expensive lingerie (she never touches the stuff from kmart)
– Dog food can be ordered online and delivered to your door
– Birds are food, not friends (I swear she hasn’t caught one yet)
– The car is king
-The lead/leash is queen
– Every day is a good day for a walk
– The best defence for a bad day is a cuddle from your dog

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As I write this the spoilt pocket princess is sleeping on her second throne… At the foot of my bed. It’s too hot for her to snuggle on the bed with me at the moment. Tonight has been a challenge, she was unsettled and was acting out. I call it typical juvenile behaviour…after all she’s 3.5 years old in human years but really she’s acting like a spoilt 21 year old (her dog year age).

So a year on I look back and realise getting Coco was seriously one of the best things I’ve ever done!

Who else owns a crazy dog or has a beloved pet?…..

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Box jumps can smell your fear

Crossfit

Basically I am all the dogs in this video when it comes to box jumps! I approach the box, I might even touch it, but when it comes to jumping into the air and landing on that damn box I have a silly fear/phobia about it. It doesn’t help that I’ve had a few gentle tumbles over and off the box…That have resulted in some pretty nasty bruises.

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This morning we had max box jump height at crossfit. I haven’t jumped up onto a box for over 8 months so I was actually looking forward to it. Of course when it came to actually doing it I would walk up to the box and swing my arms in readiness to get up but then I would chicken out. More than a few times I jumped in the air without actually going anywhere….It musta looked very funny! But full credit to my coach this morning Steph who kept encouraging (and also the 2 other girls working out today) me …I finally landed a few and managed to stick my max height at 47cm (18.5 inches). I’m a little way off from the ladies standard height of 20 inches but I know I’ll get there.

TREX

The actual WOD was:

4 Rounds for Time

  • 20 wall balls
  • 10 push jerks

Weight of Push Jerk: 27.5 kg (my heaviest WOD push jerk yet)

Time: 19:56 mins

Finisher: 50 med ball twists. 50 med ball overhead sit ups.

Yep it took me forever but I got it done. It didn’t look that hard on the board but I felt good to get through it. I just keep reminding myself it’s a process and I will recover my fitness. It just takes time. The key is consistency and to keep going and ignore that little voice that tells me that I shouldn’t be at the box, I’m not strong enough, not fit enough and I can’t even do burpees. Who likes burpees anyways?

Beef Quesadillas – we’re not in paleo anymore Dorothy

My favourite things

Brooke’s Beef Quesadilla

I LOVE Mexican food. It’s an obsession….I mean why wouldn’t you? Meat, cheese, greens, tequila, sangria, margarita, salsa, corn chips….You get the picture.

A couple of weeks ago I spotted a recipe for quesadillas that looked easy! I’m a big fan of easy food….It’s not masterchef in my kitchen. I decided to make mince beef quesadillas as I a) didn’t have any chicken at home and b) didn’t wanna go to the supermarket to get some and c) I love beef! So here’s my creation and recipe….I’ll warn you this isn’t clean eating. There’s cheese and wheat and sour cream and salsa in this!

Enjoy x

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Ingredients

500g ground beef mince

½ red capsicum diced

1 red onion diced

Taco seasoning

¼ cup of water

Wraps

Taco Seasoning

1 tbsp chili powder

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp cumin

1 tsp salt

Method

  • Cook onion until softened
  • Add capsicum & mince
  • Cook mince beef until browned
  • Add Taco seasoning and ¼ cup of water
  • Stir until the mince is combined with seasoning and water
  • Remove from heat
  • Take wrap and place pan
  • Layer lettuce, mince, cheese onto one half of the wrap (like a half moon)
  • Fold top of wrap so it looks like a half moon
  • Flip the moon over and cook the other side
  • Serve immediately

You might wanna add some sour cream or natural yoghurt to your table for this one. All that chilli powder packs a mighty punch. I also recommend maybe adding a lovely salad with cucumber, capsicum, tomato to the plate to make it even better!

PS. Don’t forget to add a margarita!! This is not clean eating!

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On a happier note

I'm human too

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The best cure for a monster hangover? Street food style quesadilla! Brisbane has a cool new market at Portside, Hamilton. The Eat Street Markets run Friday and Saturday from 4pm-10pm serving up an array of yummy food. From Japanese cauliflower pizzas to Mexican quesadillas there’s a good amount to choose from. Next time I’m definitely trying the Singapore street food stall. There’s also a few non-food stalls selling letterpress cards, handmade signs, clothes, and other arts/crafts.

Thankfully mum & I are ok too. But now with a clearer view of what occurred last night there are questions of why anyone would ever think it’s appropriate to leave 2 women clearly so drunk in the middle of a busy road at 1:20am in the morning. Also it would seem that it wasn’t my mum who insisted to get into another cab. The horrid taxi driver pulled over to look up the address & as everyone was trying to tell him where to go he said something rude that upset mum, therefore she went off at him. I didn’t understand what he had said and told her to stop being stupid as we just wanted to get home. When drunk mum gets very emotional and so she took offence to this and got out of the taxi. Also for the record no one else got out of the taxi to try and get us both back in – even when I told them to go….they just left us there in the middle of a road without a footpath even in the middle of the night.

To the other people in the taxi I hope you never have someone treat you as you treated my mother and I last night. I can assure you I would never leave someone on the side of the road – even if they were drunk, yelling, annoying & inconvenient.

What would you have done?

My mother & I

I'm human too

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My mum is an amazing woman. In her almost 60 years on this planet she’s lived so much, seen so much & been through a lot of heartache.

She’s always got my back. She’s fierce, loyal & loves with everything she’s got! She’s beautiful with high cheek bones and bright brown eyes. Her hair cut is like Charlize Theron’s crop. She’s got a great set of pins on her too!

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She’s a fiery Leo and I love that she says what’s on her mind rather than bottling it up. She’s intelligent and determined. From someone who barely knew how to turn on a computer she taught herself how to use Facebook & is a social media wizz. She reads my blog (despite my posts about men & sex – sorry mum), takes a good selfie & pretty soon she’ll be on Insta too! We have an amazing relationship – nothing is off limits. I know sometimes she wishes it was – I can be a big over sharer! But I am so fucking blessed to have that – I can call her up & tell her anything. Her arms are always open for her children and even though she’s gunning for marriage and grand kids from us ultimately she just wants us to be happy.

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Last night we had the beautiful Candice & Cristian’s engagement party. There was a lot of love, dancing, far too much champagne, way too many selfies, and at the end of it all we were very happy & very drunk.

On our taxi drive home the cab driver was an asshole. Granted it’s a tough gig ferrying drunk people to and from their homes in the wee hours, but he didn’t know basic addresses and it seemed to us all he was deliberately taking us the long way home in order to charge a higher fare. Mum decided she’d had enough and told him to pull over as she wanted to get in another taxi. Did I mention it was 1.20am in the middle of a super busy road in Brisbane?? I told her to stop being stupid and other stuff I don’t remember (oh champagne you bad bad bad thing – you give me the honesty voice but don’t let me remember what I said) which resulted in her wanting more out & next thing you know we’re both out on the street screaming at each other. Then the taxi is leaving (I do remember telling them to go) and mums crying and calling my dad (who’s 3.5 hrs away) …. I’m yelling, “I love you, but fuck you!”

Long story short a guardian angel Joel saw us and picked us up and drove us home to my aunts. If he hadn’t I don’t know when we would’ve got home. Mum was hysterical (& rightly so – who’s dumb idea was it to pay attention to the drunk women and leave us on the side of the road?). She did calm down but I fear the damage is done… I don’t know if she’ll be talking to me this morning and in the cold harsh light of a monster hangover I can understand why. She’s always got my back, she’s always putting others first & last night a lot of people (me, her daughter included, let her down).

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She loves to tell me a story of when I was 3. She was crying over princess Diana on the TV walking out of the hospital with her baby prince Harry; mum had left hospital a few weeks earlier after giving birth but she didn’t have her baby. My beloved brother died after only being alive an hour. I came up to her sobbing on the floor and rubbed her back and said, “there, there mummy. Don’t cry”. I wish last night I could’ve done that instead of yelling at her.

So I’m sorry mum. Please forgive me. I fucked up. I love you x

The truth about Biscuits

online dating

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My flatmate Bonnie and I are both single at the moment and she’s been out and about meeting new people. 2 weeks ago she met Paul-James (his real name is Paul but I think he looks like a James so therefore he is christened Paul-James or even PJ for short) through Facebook and then in person at his work.

Seriously she met him through Facebook – he was in the ‘other folder’ in the private message mailbox.

Anyways I don’t think much of PJ but I’m not dating him. However when I asked Bonnie how she felt about hi she said, “oh, he’s nice. I wasn’t instantly like ‘I wanna rip your clothes off’ but he’s so nice.” I looked at her and said, “You know what’s nice? Biscuits are nice. Do you want to fuck biscuits? No. Unless you have a biscuit fetish or something. Or do you want some passion?”

“…..Biscuits are nice. Do you want to fuck biscuits?”

Now I’m not saying don’t date/fall in love/ sleep with the nice guy. You should probably do that – after all he’s a good guy and will most likely do good by you. I am saying don’t settle for some guy because he best thing going for him is He’s so nice. You both deserve better than that x

I’ve dated my share of guys who are soooo nice and I’m not proud to admit I’ve settled and stayed with partners because I know I have it good with them. That chemistry/lust/moth to a flame attraction might be missing but these men have been so nice I wanted to see if I could fall in love with them anyways. I’ve been told how much of a “nice” girl I am and I’m sure some men have dated me because of this…. For the record I don’t want you to want to be with me because I’m so nice and I fit your checklist. I want to be with you because you think that I’m awesome and I feel the same way about you!

What do you think? Do you need to have that chemistry with your partner or this not that important… What’s underneath counts more?

Andrea Bocelli – the full round up #AndreaBocelliBrisbane

My favourite things

I’m still smiling from the magic I experienced Sunday night at the Andrea Bocelli concert. Here’s my full recap:

The entire concert was beautiful …. Italian or French opera is divine. The first half featured opera in French or Italian – I can’t understand a lick of the language but to be honest Signore Bocelli could sing the alphabet and I’d be delighted.

IMG_6308-0First up I decided on a witchery maxi dress with covered heels (it is the opera …. No open toes here). Plus the frock is comfortable as well as stylish – I like my fashion to be both. It wasn’t easy to chose what to wear; after all I’m in the ‘nose bleed’ section of the entertainment centre so I didn’t want to go too fancy but then again it’s the OPERA! You have to frock up a little.

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I’m sitting in a sea of couples. They weren’t too impressed with my arriving after them and having to shuffle along without touching anyone…. For the record I did offer to stay at the end and have everyone else move one seat in but they declined.

I’m impatient to see Delta Goodrem (the very special guest) perform. Goodrem is an Australian pop star whom I’ve followed since her break through album innocent eyes. I love her music and her name on the concert roll (as well as the half price ticket) was the deciding factor to come along. I’ve seen Andrea perform years ago and whilst it was lovely there is something about tonight that is all the more magical – maybe it’s the full orchestra on stage or the choir with them. No matter what I love it!

The second half was equally amazing as Signore Bocelli took on more modern songs.

For me I was awaiting the arrival of Delta and wondered what songs she would be performing duet with Andrea. Her first song was a cover of love thy will be done and it was beautiful. Prayer like in sound, a mantra to remember she had the audience in the palm of her hand. I’ve seen Delta’s last 2 concerts and own all of her concert DVDs but I was blown away by her sound – this girl has been honing her voice! She always sounds like an angel but last night it was sublime.

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When Andrea came back on stage to sing love me tender I was lost. I’m a sucker for an Elvis tune and there were a few tears as he made this song into something better than it ever was with his divine voice. Then Delta swept back onto stage and together they sang when I fall in love and I can’t help falling in love. Then it was more modern music for Andrea before Delta came back to sing my favourite time to say goodbye. This song is so emotive and every time I love it. The final number of the night was my other favourite Nessum Dorma… I don’t understand what he is singing but this song never fails to move me and with Andrea singing there were tears again that I was having this moment. Who knew opera made me mushy?

Does anyone know what the lyrics of Nessum Dorma are? I only know this song moves me every time.

Finally one of the best things I loved when leaving last night was the mix of people who attended. I even spotted a family with 2 little girls – I dare say they came more for Delta but I hope they fell in love with Bocelli too… I double dare anyone to listen to him and not.

Ps. I didn’t take any video of the signing…. I was too busy just being and listening to God sing.
Pps. Seriously if Andrea Bocelli plays a concert near you… Do yourself a favour and go! It will change your life! Even if you don’t like opera.

Messina

My favourite things

Remember how I mentioned in my post about Sydney how much I love, love, love Messina Gelato? No…. We’ll let me remind you why…

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This is Robert Brownie Junior and he’s my favourite! More importantly Messina are opening their first ever Queensland Store just 10 minutes drive from my house. 10 minutes. From. My. House. OMFG! I’m never moving from here….. It opens in February 2015…as of now I am counting down the days until Messina time!

My day has officially been made. So gelato makes me happy, I’m shallow. Whatever…. I’m gonna be just 10 mins from Messina!

The second half

Random Stuff

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I’m still smiling from the magic I experienced last night at the Andrea Bocelli concert. The second half was equally amazing as Signore Bocelli took on more modern songs.

For me I was awaiting the arrival of Delta and wondered what songs she would be duetting with Andrea. Her first song was a cover of love thy will be done and it was beautiful. Prayer like in sound, a mantra to remember she had the audience in the palm of her hand. I’ve seen Delta’s last 2 concerts and own all of her concert DVDs but I was blown away by her sound – this girl has been honing her voice! She always sounds like an angel but last night it was sublime.

When Andrea came back on stage to sing love me tender I was lost. I’m a sucker for an Elvis tune and there were a few tears as he made this song into something better than it ever was with his divine voice. Then Delta swept back onto stage and together they sang when I fall in love and I can’t help falling in love . Then it was more modern music for Andrea before Delta came back to sing my favourite time to say goodbye. This song is so emotive and every time I love it. The final number of the night was my other favourite Nessum Dorma… I don’t understand what he is singing but this song never fails to move me and with Andrea singing there were tears again that I was having this moment. Who knew opera made me mushy?

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Does anyone know what the lyrics of Nessum Dorma are? I only know this song moves me every time.

Finally one of the best things I loved when leaving last night was the mix of people who attended. I even spotted a family with 2 little girls – I dare say they came more for Delta but I home they fell in love with Bocelli too… I double dare anyone to listen to him and not.

Ps. I didn’t take any video of the signing…. I was too busy just being and listening to God sing.
Pps. Seriously if Andrea Bocelli plays a concert near you… Do yourself a favour and go! It will change your life! Even if you don’t like opera.

A night at the opera

Random Stuff

Date night with myself !
It’s currently interval at the Andrea Bocelli concert. So far everything has been beautiful …. Italian or French opera is divine. I can’t understand a lick of the language but to be honest Signore Bocelli could sing the alphabet and I’d be delighted.

First up I decided on a witchery maxi dress with covered heels (it is the opera …. No open toes here). Plus the frock is comfortable as well as stylish – I like my fashion to be both.

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Though I have to admit Brisbane (concert venue city) has let itself down a bit. Not enough gents in suits or ladies in frocks … But each to his own I guess.

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I’m sitting in a sea of couples. They weren’t too impressed with my arriving after them and having to shuffle along without touching anyone…. For the record I did offer to stay at the end and have everyone else move one seat in but they declined.

The first half has gone very quick. I’m becoming impatient to see Delta Goodrem (the very special guest) perform. Goodrem is an Australian pop star whom I’ve followed since her break through album innocent eyes . I love her music and her name on the concert roll (as well as the half price ticket) was the deciding factor to come along.

I’ll update the second half and my favourite songs a little later x

Father’s Day

We are family

It’s fathers here in Australia and I wanted to share something about my dad. My earliest memory of my dad is reading me a story before bed. I have a distinct memory of him reading to me with 2 bandaged hands…. He’d been in an explosion at work (he used to work in quality assurance for a big chipboard/laminate company) and even though it was late (and he was in pain) he still read me my story.

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I’m blessed because my dad has always been there for me. His words of wisdom always resonate with me. His best advice on finding the love of your life, “Look for someone who is generous and can compromise”. His other advice, “Never, never, never, never give up”. He’s a good man my dad, with a good heart who does his best to treat people how he wants to be treated, to be honest and hardworking, and he is a big believer in loyalty and I got my love of scotch from him. I also got my black humour from him and my ability to internalise stuff until they explode. My dad is a Pisces – a calm fish in a sea of 3 women (my mother, my sister and I) who are all fire signs. He is incredibly calm and affable until you ‘press the red button’… Then all bets are off!

I’m not spending Father’s Day with him but will call him in 30 mins to wish him happy Father’s Day as he packs up the catering for a day of touring on Fraser Island. I saw him last weekend and gave him his little gift – a Star Wars tee – he’s a massive Star Wars geek…. We’ve watched Return of the Jedi so much my sister and I can quote it!

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My dad is also a HUGE fan of nicknames. My mother gets princess or possum, my sister is the baby mongoose, and I’m his Scandinavian trotting duck or snow crocus….. Once he even called me a garden slug (I’m sure it was a term of endearment). His favourite movies are:

- Shrek (he cracks up at Donkey every time)
– BlackHawk down
– Lord of the rings (he used to call us his ‘precious’)
– Anything featuring Steven Segal… If it’s a straight to DVD release the better.

His favourite football team (and mine too – you can guess I’m a daddy’s girl): Essendon AFL football club.

How do you celebrate Father’s Day? What makes your dad so special? If you have kids do you have any nicknames for them or any special traditions you do with your kids?

The first time #firsttime #babymac

Manly Matt, online dating

my name is earlI was inspired today by a post from the fabulous Beth over at BabyMac. She asked us to comment about the first time we saw the one we loved….As I’m currently on man ban (but my heart is in a better place this week) I thought I’d walk you down memory lane and tell you about those men I’ve loved (and who lost me ha ha). So in order of when I met them here they are….

#1 Cameron. He was my first real boyfriend. He was also the man I lost my virginity too. We lived next door to each other on uni res (university residential for those not used to Aussie slang). He thought I was a gorgeous woman in my 20s (I was only 17, about to turn 18). I thought he was an old loser (he was 25 turning 26), with floppy hair (we  nicknamed him Lyle Lovett behind closed doors), a big nose and a noisy bloody motorbike that used to wake me up in the wee hours (mainly after one too many glasses of cask wine….Hey; I was a student – no judgement). He was wearing mambo shorts and no shirt the day I popped over searching for my friends. I realised then and there I wanted him; I had the worst crush on him, and was convinced he’d never like me back as I had turned him down earlier in the year. I was wrong – one night a group of us had a BBQ which ended with us all jumping into the pool fully clothed. I headed home to get my flatmates and he followed. I didn’t even see it coming when pashed me on my front door step and I was hooked.

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#2 Tim. The first time I saw Tim I thought he was a gangly nerd. He was tall, over 6 ft, with glasses and overlong hair. The first time I really saw him was my 22 birthday; he made me laugh so hard and was concerned that I was having an asthma attack (I was but I didn’t want to go home – I was having too much fun)! He was wearing brown chinos, a black button up shirt, a black zip up jacket and this pair of God awful trainers he wore everywhere… He’d taken a mutual gay friend shopping with him as he wanted to impress me.  We dated for over 6 years. We didn’t even kiss until we’d been dating for over 4 weeks, I moved into his place after just 3 months of dating; and at 5.5 years we seriously talked marriage, family and our future. We looked at rings (I wanted at least a carat solitaire…Oh my how things have changed now; my taste is a lot less flashy and more subtle/classic) and he asked my parents for their blessing. Then a few months later we looked at buying a house together and I asked if it meant a step towards a future:

Him: “We’re not getting engaged anytime soon”

Me: “Well then why buy a house?”

He finally admitted he loved me but didn’t know if he wanted to get married to me.  Less than 2 months later we broke up. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done was telling this beautiful man that I loved him but I couldn’t stay as we would end up hating each other – we wanted different things. Sometimes I think back about Tim and wonder would it work a second time round? Then I remember how very different we are, how his family never liked me, how he didn’t really like my big/loud/annoying family, how he didn’t want to marry me, and I know deep down (in my bones) that our time is done.

 

#3 Troy (AKA the breakup from hell). I met him at an industry meeting and don’t recall what he looked like other than he was short and I thought he was interested in me. It was months later when he contacted me via facebook to see what I was up to when our casual industry friendship became something more. I remember the first date – we met at Kirra Beach, Coolangatta. He came running towards me in jeans, flip flops and a checked shirt. I wasn’t too sure if he was attractive to me (he also had an earring in one ear) but we sat down on the beach to have a picnic and he kept looking at me like I was Christmas…So I kissed him.  

 

#4 Manly Matt. We met online at POF.com and text each other for weeks before we agreed to meet up for a drink at Kingscliff. When I first arrived I saw a man with a walking frame and a shaved head ….I already knew what Matt looked like but I thought oh no, all of his photos were of him sitting or leaning over something (and he has a shaved head)…Maybe that’s him with the frame? Then he text me to say he was upstairs. He was wearing jeans, a Billabong t-shirt, flip flops and a big smile. I thought he was cute and sweet. He made me laugh and we flirted with our eyes all the way through the date. When we parted ways he didn’t kiss me – just told me we should do it again sometime.

And now my heart is a little sad again x

escape

The first time #firsttime #babymac

Manly Matt, online dating

my name is earlI was inspired today by a post from the fabulous Beth over at BabyMac. She asked us to comment about the first time we saw the one we loved….As I’m currently on man ban (but my heart is in a better place this week) I thought I’d walk you down memory lane and tell you about those men I’ve loved (and who lost me ha ha). So in order of when I met them here they are….

#1 Cameron. He was my first real boyfriend. He was also the man I lost my virginity too. We lived next door to each other on uni res (university residential for those not used to Aussie slang). He thought I was a gorgeous woman in my 20s (I was only 17, about to turn 18). I thought he was an old loser (he was 25 turning 26), with floppy hair (we  nicknamed him Lyle Lovett behind closed doors), a big nose and a noisy bloody motorbike that used to wake me up in the wee hours (mainly after one too many glasses of cask wine….Hey; I was a student – no judgement). He was wearing mambo shorts and no shirt the day I popped over searching for my friends. I realised then and there I wanted him; I had the worst crush on him, and was convinced he’d never like me back as I had turned him down earlier in the year. I was wrong – one night a group of us had a BBQ which ended with us all jumping into the pool fully clothed. I headed home to get my flatmates and he followed. I didn’t even see it coming when pashed me on my front door step and I was hooked.

suits

#2 Tim. The first time I saw Tim I thought he was a gangly nerd. He was tall, over 6 ft, with glasses and overlong hair. The first time I really saw him was my 22 birthday; he made me laugh so hard and was concerned that I was having an asthma attack (I was but I didn’t want to go home – I was having too much fun)! He was wearing brown chinos, a black button up shirt, a black zip up jacket and this pair of God awful trainers he wore everywhere… He’d taken a mutual gay friend shopping with him as he wanted to impress me.  We dated for over 6 years. We didn’t even kiss until we’d been dating for over 4 weeks, I moved into his place after just 3 months of dating; and at 5.5 years we seriously talked marriage, family and our future. We looked at rings (I wanted at least a carat solitaire…Oh my how things have changed now; my taste is a lot less flashy and more subtle/classic) and he asked my parents for their blessing. Then a few months later we looked at buying a house together and I asked if it meant a step towards a future:

Him: “We’re not getting engaged anytime soon”

Me: “Well then why buy a house?”

He finally admitted he loved me but didn’t know if he wanted to get married to me.  Less than 2 months later we broke up. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done was telling this beautiful man that I loved him but I couldn’t stay as we would end up hating each other – we wanted different things. Sometimes I think back about Tim and wonder would it work a second time round? Then I remember how very different we are, how his family never liked me, how he didn’t really like my big/loud/annoying family, how he didn’t want to marry me, and I know deep down (in my bones) that our time is done.

 

#3 Troy (AKA the breakup from hell). I met him at an industry meeting and don’t recall what he looked like other than he was short and I thought he was interested in me. It was months later when he contacted me via facebook to see what I was up to when our casual industry friendship became something more. I remember the first date – we met at Kirra Beach, Coolangatta. He came running towards me in jeans, flip flops and a checked shirt. I wasn’t too sure if he was attractive to me (he also had an earring in one ear) but we sat down on the beach to have a picnic and he kept looking at me like I was Christmas…So I kissed him.  

 

#4 Manly Matt. We met online at POF.com and text each other for weeks before we agreed to meet up for a drink at Kingscliff. When I first arrived I saw a man with a walking frame and a shaved head ….I already knew what Matt looked like but I thought oh no, all of his photos were of him sitting or leaning over something (and he has a shaved head)…Maybe that’s him with the frame? Then he text me to say he was upstairs. He was wearing jeans, a Billabong t-shirt, flip flops and a big smile. I thought he was cute and sweet. He made me laugh and we flirted with our eyes all the way through the date. When we parted ways he didn’t kiss me – just told me we should do it again sometime.

And now my heart is a little sad again x

escape

Love/Life Lessons

I'm human too, Manly Matt

I’m still so very fragile about the end of manly Matt and I. I’m not in a good place – there’s not of pro-Brooke feelings right now. I feel unloveable, undesirable & I have a burning urge to yell out to the sky, ” Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you love me?”

I wonder if I’ll ever find what I’m searching for -love, passion, soul mate, builder & sharer of a life together, someone to grow old with, someone who I want (& they want too to) try and have a family with me.

I’m so tired of searching & then I catch myself as I remember to put it into perspective – there are others who have so much less than I. But this is my journey right now and I’m trying to work through it as best I can.

I had lunch yesterday with a beautiful friend Sharon. I met her years ago & despite the fact she’s the same age as my mum I consider her a dear friend. As we chatted she asked me if I was still seeing Matt. I told her no and I told her why this was… She simply listened… She didn’t call him an asshole, or tell me I deserve better, or even say there are plenty more fish in the sea (to the friends who have said these things thank you – I appreciate your thoughts). She just looked at me (the only way a mother can – she’s got 2 girls) and said …. “Have you considered coaching? I can approach some people I know. It could help – when your ready – to clarify what you want…. And to help you be more emotionally open, as we sometimes attract mirrors of ourselves. The last couple of relationships you’ve dated men who aren’t emotionally open or capable of building a lasting relationship with you”.

She then said, “You have all the answers within you – if you sat on the beach and put your hand on your heart I guarantee you would know this”.

Her words rang very true to me; I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help and sometimes a guiding hand is just what you need to help you find the clarity you’re seeking. We spoke some more and she also told me to work on me – love myself and know I’m worthy first. She said past relationship breakdowns leave their mark, they damage our self esteem but we can rebuild from this.

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She brought me a gorgeous rose quartz crystal – the crystal is all about love and healing. I keep it in my handbag and when I get home I’ll put it on my bedside table to help heal my heart.

It might seem to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo to some but yesterday it was what I needed to hear. There is a lesson to be learnt in my breakup with Matt. In my peaceful moments I can smile at the good times and I know I was blessed to trust my heart again to someone. I can also see the flaws/mistakes I made and I know even if I was to openly and honestly tell him these and we could talk – there would still be that attraction – but we still wouldn’t work, he (like me) is too scared to open up in case he gets hurt.

Moving forward I’m focusing on me – I’m sure there will be some more bad days, more tears (I feel like I could go to bed for a week and cry)… But there’ll be good days too; laughter, travels, beautiful friends, dancing, off key singing, more crossfit classes, gallons of scotch and many packets of twisties…. These things always make me smile.

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