In an effort to embrace throwback Thursday I’m going to talk about what my friends and I refer to as ‘the break-up from hell’…It goes a little like this:
- Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date, girl declines, they work in the same industry and are facebook friends. Girl forgets about boy.
- Months later boy contacts girl via facebook and strikes up a conversation. This leads to texting, 4 hour phone conversations and an eventual date. Probably the BEST first date I’ve ever been on. A beach picnic at the famous Kirra beach where he looked at me like I was Christmas. So I kissed him and so it began.
- It was a whirlwind and we were so very in love; I didn’t stop to listen to any doubts. I threw myself in with arms wide open and a ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ attitude.
- We moved in together after dating just 3 months. I split my time between the town where I worked and our place (only a short 9 hr return drive). We laughed and we had a great time.
Who knows exactly when it began to unravel. Hindsight is a beautiful thing for it tells me that the cracks where appearing the second weekend we caught up and I heard a whisper of, “He’s selfish” from my instinct – I ignored this. Then a big moment happened when a beloved family member died suddenly and I asked him to support me at the funeral service. He declined using work as an excuse before he told me honestly he didn’t want to come because, “He never knew the guy”. We fought over the phone (I was at work) where he cried and promised to do better next time. So I stayed and moved in full time only 2 months later and whilst it wasn’t always perfect I felt that we were good. Then 2 months after this he lost his job and decided to embrace his dream of becoming a personal trainer. The only problem was he had no capital and we still had bills to pay.
So I stepped in the ever-supporting partner. For the following 6 months I paid all of the rent and food shopping bills. This left no room at ALL in my budget for anything other than the bare essentials. But I loved him and I believed (still do) relationships are about love, sacrifice and compromise.
The day he broke up with me he had been rather nasty in the morning (projecting his guilt I would find out later) and then calmly told me over breakfast ….
He loved me like a friend, nothing else.
He would move into the spare room until we sorted out the rental.
All he ever wanted to meet someone who would go on runs with him and my family didn’t even like him that much.
It was brutal and as I sat there crying he didn’t even hug me. He left straight away to meet a client. I got up, showered, dressed and packed my car to head home to my parents for a few days (already pre-arranged time off). The next few days were difficult but every day I got stronger; I began to remember the woman I was before him, I laughed at his stupid big teeth, I wore beautiful clothes, got my hair done, walked on the beach, slept in, ate chocolate (a huge no no), and drank a LOT of wine (and scotch). I can recall telling my sister that, “He has given me back my freedom and now I have it I realise how much I wanted it”.
Walking in my front door and seeing him again was hard.
FACT: all break-ups are hard work. However the worst was still to come:
- The day I realised he was seeing someone new;
- The night I caught the ‘someone new’ sneaking into my house and realising she was one of his clients;
- The afternoon I stumbled across the over 2000 facebook chat messages between he and her that told me in black, white and blue that it had been going on for before we broke up;
- The times he wouldn’t even let his dog (who I had fed, walked and cared for throughout our time together) come near me;
- The night we had a massive fight (we rarely ever fought – I was always so conscious of not upsetting him) and he physically threatened me;
- That same night when I showed him I had a backbone and he couldn’t bully me any more;
- The weekend he moved out and stole things from my house.
All in all it took almost 4 weeks for him to move out and I haven’t heard from him since. It took some time but I can honestly say I wish him all the best in life. I can also say he isn’t someone I want to be friends with.
- I’m no longer so ‘devil may care’ about relationships – I’m cautious and I try and listen to my instinct a lot more;
- I have a better idea of what I’m looking for in a partner and I’ve written in down (maybe I’ll share it with you sometime);
- I no longer weigh myself – no good comes from this. Instead I rely on how my clothes look and feel, what my measurements are, and how I look without clothes on;
- Open/honest/real communication is the key to every true relationship and without it you are destined to fail;
- My 2014 mantra is Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes. This is your life and in order to life it your way and to the fullest you need to speak up;
- I might not ever get married or have children because unless I find the person who is my fit I won’t be doing this – life is to damn short to settle for second best.