So I caught up with Manly Matt (MM) on Wednesday night – we finally made it to the local trivia night with some of his friends. One of his buddies (who was pretty drunk) decided to grill MM and I on what is happening between us….
Friend (pointing to me): So you’re seeing this girl.
MM: Hey, hold on. Nah it’s not like that…
Friend: Not like it? You seeing her or what? (Turns to me) How do you feel about it?
Me: I don’t think this is a conversation for now (and I leave to get a drink).
Not my finest moment I know. I ran the minute it sounded like I was about to find out that the person I’m dating is not interested in taking it the ‘relationship’ level with me. I don’t know how I feel about this at all. I wanted to bring it up with MM the next day (once we were sober) but fear stopped me….Since then it’s all I can think about. Why didn’t I ask him to clarify? Do I care if he isn’t interested in being my boyfriend? 2 weeks ago all I wanted was assurance he wasn’t seeing anyone else. Ugh!
On top of this I caught up with a couple of friends via phone this week – all of whom wanted to know how it was going with MM. I know they mean well (they don’t want to see me get hurt) but the pressure has commenced for me to find out what is actually happening between us….
|He Loves Me||He Loves Me Not|
|I’ve met his friends on a number of occasions
When we catch up it’s either movies/dinner or dinner not just calling late and hooking up
We text/call on a regular basis to check in and see how each others day is going
We make plans to catch up at least 3 days out
When I do stay over he’s a cuddler
We can have easy conversations – there’s no awkward silences
|He is reluctant to define what we are to friends
I haven’t met his daughter
He’s still listed on the POF.com site (but then so am I – my profile is hidden)
We don’t have any in depth conversations about what we want from life (the big questions)
So the above table indicates to me he’s into me but am I more than just a girl who’s good value to catch up with and fuck? On top of this is the footy-gate scandal. MM plays rugby league with a local club and it’s a big deal to him. I would rather watch paint dry than footy but I appreciate it’s an important part of his life and a few weeks ago he mentioned I should come along to a game. This week when I asked where he was playing one of his friends offered to take me along as her sons play in the same team. MM seemed less than thrilled about this idea and when I mentioned I might see him Saturday as I was leaving his place he was non-committal about it. I don’t think I’m pushing too hard to fast. I am very tempted to not go to footy as this is the easy option. I’ve also been tempted to just cut my losses but that too is the easy option – life isn’t easy and giving up on something because it’s too hard is pretty pathetic. In my defence I did have a pretty awful headache yesterday when I was close to giving up.
I’m trying to trust my instinct on this but I keep getting mixed messages. One minute I know for sure that despite as lovely as I am, I’m not enough for him to want to commit. Then the next minute I’m confused again.
Basically I see the best option for all of this mind-fuck is to sit down with him next time I see him and just have an honest conversation. I’ll write myself some notes (I find these help best with those important chats), I’ll remember my goals for the big picture, I’ll be realistic about achievable outcomes for MM and I (what is it I want from him), and no matter what the answer is I will have at least spoken my mind.