I am worth more Remember how a while ago I mentioned that things weren’t 100% kosher with Manly Matt and I? Well this last weekend I had an epiphany and I took the limited courage I have to send him the following text message (I know not my finest work but baby steps)… 

ME to MM: Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while (and never seem to get the guts too) but do you like spending time with me? It just seems lately we haven’t had much time to actually go on dates….This kind of makes me feel less like we’re dating and more like we’re fuck buddies??? 

MM to ME: ……..*silence*….. 

That was 24 hours ago and still only silence from him. I’m guessing that my instinct, that sent me into the ladies in tears most of Saturday night (tears were helped by the scotch I’d been drinking), was bang on about him and his feelings! It hit me a while ago that Manly Matt and I hadn’t been spending much quality time with each other (like in months)….We both have limited time and I 100% appreciate that but I was ok as the time we did have together felt quality. Up until a couple of weeks ago when I realised we hadn’t had ‘date night’ in months and that it seemed (to me) like I was always texting/contacting him. He was more than happy to engage with me when I did instigate conversation but if left to his own devices the contact was minimal. Then there was the other thing – the thing I thought I’d sorted months ago….He wouldn’t acknowledge me as his girlfriend. He told people he didn’t believe in labels and I decided it was just fine. But one weekend I realised it wasn’t ok, I realised that there were flaws in this relationship with him….I began to want more. I wanted the intimacy of being in a couple, I wanted him to want to spend time with me, to want to get to know about me more….

I can’t seem to articulate exactly what happened Saturday night but I know it hurt me a lot. I know I felt like I wanted to go home, I drank too much to forget, I felt ignored and like an outsider, I know it upset me when he asked if I was coming to Cabarita after football or would l rather go home – something I have never done (as he would rather spend time with his friends than I)…..But I forgot all about that once we got home and joked around getting food before going to bed and having some really hot sex. I remembered it all over again the next morning when we were like awkward one night stands seeing each other for the first time without beer goggles. It hit me finally yesterday afternoon as I thought on a conversation I’d had with one of the girls on Saturday who had asked what he was getting me for my birthday….I’ll be 33 on Sunday 3rd August. I told her I didn’t know – he hasn’t even gotten back to me about coming out for dinner with friends/family so I’m pretty sure a gift isn’t going to happen. I don’t want a gift from someone who feels obligated to buy me one. 

I felt so stupid yesterday when I thought about his actions (they speak so much louder than words) …. 

  • No date night for months
  • Never planning in advance – always last minute 
  • No confirming his attendance at a birthday dinner for me
  • He doesn’t treat me like a partner/dating/relationship….He doesn’t touch me (other than in bed), he’s selfish and never offers to get me a drink or a meal or surprises me with the movies (despite the fact that I will always check with him, I ALWAYS buy dinner when I’m in Cabarita, and the last time we went to the movies I paid)
  • Refusing to acknowledge me as his girlfriend/partner 
  • Lack of quality time together and not prioritising me – I asked him Thursday if we could catch up Friday as I knew he wasn’t at work. He said he’d let me know and then I followed up and he told me the ‘boys’ had dragged him down to the club

I’ve let myself become a convenience – someone who when I fit into his life he’s happy for it work. So I’m very hurt and sad. As one of gorgeous girlfriends said to me last night, “All you’ve given him is love and everything of you….Just because you want him to love you in return and he hasn’t…..” 

PS. Apologies for rambling…I’m in denial about the whole situation (which is so not healthy) but am trying to get through each day and I know I’ll meet the right man for me with a good heart….I wanted this one though x