Heya blogmates….First up I need to thank those of you who commented with such kind and wise words following my last blog about the ending of my time with Manly Matt (just in case you missed the misery click here). I still haven’t heard from him and I know I won’t hear from him (doesn’t stop me hoping he’ll charge through with a white horse and tell me he’s wrong and he loves me…Yep, the denial is strong with this one). No in all honesty I’m doing ok and time heals all wounds etc etc…
Any-the-who onto to other things. I read a post by the awesome Rosie Waterland (you can read it here) about her first real “date” and experience with online dating. I did a serious groan and eye-roll; not at the lovely Ms Waterland, but at the douche-bag (AKA nipple man) who she went on a date with. So I got to thinking….As I have been doing some online dating; and I know I’ll get back to it eventually – when my heart heals, but for now I’m taking time for me, what have I learnt that I could pass on – kind of like a ‘Online Dating course 101’. Here goes:
- Beware the man with the limited profile – if he’s too lazy to complete a decent profile then you can bet he’s too lazy to commit to you.
- Watch out for the “Wife me Up” men….On date 1 they want to know if you a) wanna get married b) have kids c) what your stance on breast feeding is (not shitting you – I really was asked this once, in relation to kids, not men) and d) added you on facebook. At the end of date 1 they’re already 1) calling you their girlfriend and have changed their relationship status on facebook 2) angling to meet your parents 3) offered to let you “cuddle all night” (my personal pet hate – am I a fucking care bear??) as they just can’t let you go….
- Don’t fall for the movies at home trick! I considered myself an intermediate level online dater but even I fell for this one…Date 1 was a drink at a ocean viewed bar. Date 2 was movies at his place which ended up on his bed and progressed to sex…. There was no date 3.
For the record movie-man (AKA delectable Trav) seemed pretty serious about meeting someone in date 1 and I honestly thought we’d go out to the movies for date 2. FYI he had a very nice penis which was a damned shame as he was a particularly lazy lover.
Call of the night was, “You’ll have to do all the work, I have a bad knee…”
Followed by, “Condom or pill?”…. I chose the safe sex option.
- Don’t get too drunk! Drunk B makes poor decisions; everything seems like a grand idea when drunk. Limit yourself to only a few glasses (not bottles) and keep yourself nice.
- Always carry your own protection – just in case you get drunk or he’s Mr Big and you knew you were gonna sleep with him. It terrifies me how many men (and women) expect/accept unprotected sex….There were over 82,000 new cases of Chlamydia reported in Australia at the end of 2012…. Be safe. STI’s happen pepole!
- Say no to the shirtless selfie! So you work out and you want to show the ladies out there how hot your bod is…..Ugh!
- Prepare to be surprised when your date actually looks like their online profile! So many people love to post photos of their ‘skinny’ selves onto their dating profile. I’m in sales and marketing and the number 1 golden rule is: don’t over promise and under deliver! Also don’t post shots of you standing far away from the camera or too close to the camera. Honesty is the best policy.
- If he doesn’t pay for your $12 burrito then he’s not the man for you!
- Be honest about what you want but don’t show him your pintrest wedding board…If your date asks you what you’re looking for tell him (or her) …I recommend you keep it to a minimum of 2-3 sentences, e.g. “I’m looking to meet someone who I can build and share a life with (maybe too full on – or too airy)” , “I’m looking to meet someone in this city who isn’t afraid of a building a real connection”, or “Ultimately I want to meet someone I can have a relationship with”.
Good luck + happy dating!