Some photos from my cousin Samantha’s wedding yesterday. It was a glorious day with sunny weather out in the country to see Samantha and Andrew declare their love for each other…
I’m still so very fragile about the end of manly Matt and I. I’m not in a good place – there’s not of pro-Brooke feelings right now. I feel unloveable, undesirable & I have a burning urge to yell out to the sky, ” Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you love me?”
I wonder if I’ll ever find what I’m searching for -love, passion, soul mate, builder & sharer of a life together, someone to grow old with, someone who I want (& they want too to) try and have a family with me.
I’m so tired of searching & then I catch myself as I remember to put it into perspective – there are others who have so much less than I. But this is my journey right now and I’m trying to work through it as best I can.
I had lunch yesterday with a beautiful friend Sharon. I met her years ago & despite the fact she’s the same age as my mum I consider her a dear friend. As we chatted she asked me if I was still seeing Matt. I told her no and I told her why this was… She simply listened… She didn’t call him an asshole, or tell me I deserve better, or even say there are plenty more fish in the sea (to the friends who have said these things thank you – I appreciate your thoughts). She just looked at me (the only way a mother can – she’s got 2 girls) and said …. “Have you considered coaching? I can approach some people I know. It could help – when your ready – to clarify what you want…. And to help you be more emotionally open, as we sometimes attract mirrors of ourselves. The last couple of relationships you’ve dated men who aren’t emotionally open or capable of building a lasting relationship with you”.
She then said, “You have all the answers within you – if you sat on the beach and put your hand on your heart I guarantee you would know this”.
Her words rang very true to me; I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help and sometimes a guiding hand is just what you need to help you find the clarity you’re seeking. We spoke some more and she also told me to work on me – love myself and know I’m worthy first. She said past relationship breakdowns leave their mark, they damage our self esteem but we can rebuild from this.
It might seem to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo to some but yesterday it was what I needed to hear. There is a lesson to be learnt in my breakup with Matt. In my peaceful moments I can smile at the good times and I know I was blessed to trust my heart again to someone. I can also see the flaws/mistakes I made and I know even if I was to openly and honestly tell him these and we could talk – there would still be that attraction – but we still wouldn’t work, he (like me) is too scared to open up in case he gets hurt.
Moving forward I’m focusing on me – I’m sure there will be some more bad days, more tears (I feel like I could go to bed for a week and cry)… But there’ll be good days too; laughter, travels, beautiful friends, dancing, off key singing, more crossfit classes, gallons of scotch and many packets of twisties…. These things always make me smile.
Hi my name’s Brooke and I am a shopaholic! It’s been 5 minutes since my last purchase. I promise I’ll get better – I know if I want to achieve my long term goals I need to stop shopping! And I promise all my readers (and my mother who reads this too – Hi Mum) that today I will stop. I have enough beautiful things to last me well through until the start of next year…Plus I don’t think my wardrobe can handle anymore clothes.
You know in my last post I was bemoaning my boring weekend and how I felt lonely. Well I just brought myself a ticket to see the Ah-Maz-Ing Andrea Bocelli (with special guest and my #1 girlcrush Delta Goodrem) in September. It’s just me going – all by myself. What does one wear to the Opera?
Heya blogmates, how was your weekend? Mine was very productive = boring! I channelled my inner Martha Stewart:
- I baked a zucchini and egg slice (basically a frittata)
- I cleaned my house like a boss
- I up-cycled some seriously mushy bananas into home made banana bread (FYI how much sugar is in banana bread?)
- I washed and hung out 4 loads of washing
- I walked Coco Pop
- I cleaned out my closet (literally) and have a few bags of clothes for charity
- I did some work for my parents company
- I slow cooked Beef Massamun Curry using mostly whole ingredients (the curry paste was store brought – I’m not perfect)
- I only drank 4 glasses of wine (1 red, 3 white) all weekend
I don’t feel productive! I was bored out of my mind! It’s hard when all your friends have lives and you’re single and it’s raining….Now I know there’s plenty of people who would say well be thankful you a) have a roof over your head b) had mushy bananas to make a banana bread (as well as a working oven) and c) at least you had Coco for company. And I am incredibly thankful and grateful but it still didn’t stop me from being bored and lonely over the weekend.
However I am happy I survived my first ‘blue day’ weekend. I knew it was coming…It’s been 3 weeks since Matt and I broke up (no new news to report there – no more contact between either of us which is for the best) and the last 3 weekends I’ve been busy so all that ‘high’ had to come crashing down at some point. What do you do to combat days/weekends when this happens to you?
So I’ve been pretty unmotivated to get back to the box the last couple of weeks and have only managed 1-2 sessions a week! Today was going to be different I told myself. So I set my alarm for 5.30am but when it came on I was to tired so I told myself is go after work (which never happens). Is also checked today’s wod – normally all this does is uninspire me to attend but today I was pumped… Thrusters. One of my favourites – I knew I couldn’t miss it.
I also downloaded the a new app called ‘wod genius’. It generates wod’s for you at home using what equipment you tell it you have. This mornings wod went like this…
4 rounds for time
7 x kettlebell swings (I used a 12kg one I have at home & did roman swings)
7 x broad jumps
7 x double unders
7 x squat jumps
7 x air squats
I couldn’t seem to nail my double unders this morning so I did 21 single skips a round (my crossfit coaches usually triple any double under score for singles). It wasn’t a long workout – took just under 9mins to complete. A nice little warm up before I walked coco before work.
Also for the record I did make it to the box this evening! It was hard and those thrusters were filthy (I scaled them to 15, but next time I’m aiming for 20kg). I got there in the end at 12:25, the slowest in the class but still something on the board which is better than nothing. Plus the support from the other babes was great & really kept me going! Bring on tomorrow x
There are 3 men in my life right now….
Mr A Evans
Manly Matt is still in my head and I ran into him out with the girls on Saturday night. My head is scrambled eggs because of this man. I love him. We’re not together. He likes me but doesn’t know what he wants. Everyone tells me he’ll regret that we’re not together etc etc. But I need to remember the post I wrote those short weeks ago about why it isn’t going to work and I need to tell myself this: I deserve more! I’m just sad. My heart is broken because I love him and I had hoped that it would’ve worked.
Pauly is a recurring theme in my life of late. We dated briefly last year. He broke it off. Then we started again. Then I broke it off. We started fooling around with each other towards the end of the year and my silly heart began to crave more. He met someone else – I was hurt. We didn’t speak for almost a month. Then he broke it off with the new woman. We started to fool around again. I met MM and decided to make a go of it so Pauly and I stopped fooling around. MM and I broke up. I started fooling around with Pauly again…..The sex is so good. Amazing really, probably the best I’ve had in years. But there’s no depth – no craving to be with him, to see how his day is, no dreams of a future. We’re great mates but in the ‘bigger picture’ we want different things and I know I have to grow up and put him aside….I want to meet a man to fall in love with; if I continue to fool around with Pauly I’m not putting myself out there (not that I’m ready too but I know it’s no good for me or for him in the long run).
Mr A Evans is a man I’ve known for over 5 years. We were friends in Brisbane for years and then over the last 6 months of my time there we hooked up a few times. Each time the sex was amazing but he wasn’t interested in anything more (neither was I at the time) plus he was so inconsistent. 1 minute I could tell we were developing something then the next he’d step back. Over the years he has text me: everything from how am I all the way through to what he wants to do to me in bed. Some of those text exchanges were so hot I blush to think about them. But despite the numerous trips to Brisbane I take I haven’t actually set eyes on him in person in years. He’s like a pen pal – happy to stay in contact but makes no actual effort to sit down in person and build a real connection.
I know what I want now. I have real goals in my mind and I have a list of things I’m looking for in a partner….
- I want someone who likes (& will grow to love) my family
- Thanks to wise words from Rob from Weight2lose I want to find someone who can compromise…Relationships are all about compromise and generosity.
- Someone who loves their family & doesn’t have estrangement…. Or if they do why is this?
- Someone who makes me laugh and I can make laugh
- Someone who gets me & my level of crazy (esp my melt downs)
- Someone who is as generous as me – no more selfishness
- Someone who isn’t too proud to say I’m sorry
- Someone who shares their dreams & wants to know mine
- Someone who isn’t afraid of commitment
- Someone who has drive and ambition & wants to better their life
- Someone who is comfortable in physical intimacy – touching, snuggles, holding hands, kissing!
- Travel! He’ll want to explore & see the world.
- It won’t be easy but he’ll push me out of my comfort zone and make me a better person for it.
I also have a list of things I need to work on so that I’m better able to negotiate new relationships and most importantly not repeat mistakes….
- Don’t be afraid to speak your mind! What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll realise that they’re not the one for you.
- Don’t be afraid to be yourself and ask lots of questions….If you wanna know something just ask!
- Do say yes to new opportunities to meet new people! Don’t be afraid to try new things. Everyone gets scared and stressed about something new but jump right in…Anything can happen.
- Don’t be afraid to love or feel. My time with MM taught me a few very important things; it helped me identify what I want and it showed me I can love and feel again for another.
As I got my morning hot chocolate this morning I overheard one barista say to the other, “Robins Williams is dead”. I was in shock – it couldn’t be true, I didn’t want to accept it…. I checked my news sites and it was confirmed. At 63 Robin Williams has been found dead in his home; an apparent suicide as it has been stated that he was suffering from a deep depression. This beautiful man who had made the world laugh was gone. More importantly this beautiful man who made us all laugh was fighting the grimmest and most horrid thing – the black dog of depression.
Depression is a silent/unseen disease. I lost an uncle a few years ago to depression – we never knew how desperate he was feeling, how lost and how hopeless life seemed to him until it was too late. Some people may blame the person who takes their own life – rage against them, hate them and tell them they took the easy way out. I don’t feel that at all about suicide and I certainly didn’t the night my cousin called to say they’d found her father. I felt an overwhelming sadness and there where deep sobs as I thought of 2 girls without a father, 1 wife without a husband, and 1 grandson without a pop. I also thought about another son, my middle cousin, who died in a car accident 10 years earlier; who would now have his dad beside him. I often wonder how a family survives such tragedy – but they have and they will. For now I urge you all to hug your loved ones that little bit tighter and don’t be afraid to ask them are you ok? Please also be ready to listen if they respond with, “No, I’m not”.
In honour of the wonderful man Robin Williams I’ve found some of my absolute favourite scenes of his career…
Good will Hunting
What Dreams May Come
Good Morning Vietnam
Someone bring me some water (Pete loved, loved, loved Melissa Etheridge)
Life is a Highway (Paul loved this song and despite the fact that it’s been played at all major family gatherings for the past 10 years – there’s dancing and singing – only a few of us have learnt the full song but we all sing along at the top of our lungs in the chorus).
If you need help or someone to talk to please contact the following:
Ph 1300 2246 36
Happy Monday blogmates!! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!! I did…
Birthday Memories 2014:
- Friends and family joined me for dinner at my local Mexican – including a few margaritas which explains the headache the next morning
- How amazing are my new pants? Photo on the right with Coco Pop – I had to call 6 stores throughout Australia before I tracked these down!
- A sweet birthday message from Manly Matt (it’s ok – it’s just a message – nothing else)
- More drinks for another dinner in Byron Bay with the gorgeous Marika – yes it was cold and I had to wear my gloves.
- Some lovely (and unexpected) gifts from my beautiful family and friends
But today it’s back to the real world and work! I wanted to outline my 3 little life goals for this week….
- I’ve booked myself in for 3 crossfit classes – Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! I just want to get to the box 3 times this week and next…Then I’ll build up from there.
- I will not text Manly Matt. He did finally come back to about my message re: spending more quality time together and it upset me a lot. He basically told me he was angry with my message and obviously we wanted different things (yeah, no shit – I want someone who’ll actually want to spend time with me). I responded without getting angry back (no good ever comes from this)….That’s our problem Matt we never actually talked about what we wanted and I’m sorry for not having the courage to do this as it could’ve saved a lot of heartache and anger this week. I love you Matt and I miss you, but I don’t believe you love me. There’s nothing wrong with that. The reasons why I felt I wasn’t that important to you was because with the limited time (we’re both busy and I wasn’t asking for more time) we have together we didn’t get a lot of ‘just us’ time, you wouldn’t acknowledge me as your girlfriend, you didn’t want me there last Saturday night, you made no plans to join me for my birthday….Despite this you’re a good man with a good heart, it just didn’t work out. I wish you and little M all the best xox. He sent me a sweet text for my birthday but this doesn’t mean anything…We haven’t addressed any of the issues that broke us up; so I’m choosing to treat this as a ‘friendly’ text and I’m not going to text him again to start a conversation (as much as my heart wants to)…Because I know I’d just get myself right back into a relationship that isn’t good for me. Of course this doesn’t stop me thinking about him and missing him but that’s all part of the process and I’ll get there.
- No more credit card shopping! I really need to settle down on this and remember those bigger goals! Time to say no to shopping and start to pay those debts off!
Have a great week everyone!
Everyone has had a break-up and broken heart at some stage of their life. Here’s a few of the techniques I use to get me through the process….
- Create yourself a break-up song list…Mine is as follows:
- Let me down easy Sheppard
- Impossible James Arthur
- When will I be loved Linda Ronstadt
- Happy Ending Mika
- Facebook Song (also known as are you fucking kidding me) Kate Miller Heidke
- Not me, Not I Delta Goodrem
- Henry Melody Pool
- Don’t you worry child Swedish House Mafia
- If I’m honest Missy Higgins
- Handle me Robyn
- Crying Roy Orbison
- Last Request Paulo Nutini
- Need you now Lady Antebellum
- The entire album Child of the Universe Delta Goodrem
- PS. Sorry for the iTunes links but I’m an apple girl and this is all I know….Some of the songs link to spotify (free) so knock yourself out!
- Un-follow / Un-friend / Block….Depending on how you’re feeling and more importantly how your ex is treating you is how you should approach the separation on social media. If you’ve gone the whole hog and announced it facebook official un-annoucing your relationship can be hard. As a rule I don’t like the whole “in a relationship status thing” but if you’ve gone there the way to discretely change it is to update your ‘about you’ section on facebook on your mobile – it doesn’t show up in news feeds. Also do it on a Saturday night – no one is checking social media then, they’re all too busy uploading drinks and dinner photos of their fabulous life. I always un-follow exes ….It’s too hard to not get angry/sad/misty eyed when you see their updates.
- Advise a few close friends who will spread the word for you…Also prepare yourself an ex statement (if only in your head). Something along the lines of; “We want different things, we’ve grown apart, he’s a great guy but not for me, he lied/cheated/stole from me, we never saw each other, etc etc…” You get the picture – something simple that isn’t the nitty gritty of your break-up. No one needs to hear that he was crap in bed or had a tiny dick m’Kay?
- Get Social! No, I don’t mean go drinking every night. I mean find things to do socially that require you to get up of your ass, change into nice clothes, fix your hair and make up, and get out of your house!! Meetup.com is a great site for finding social events in your local area – in fact I’m having dinner with a group of complete strangers tonight in an effort to get out there and meet new people. Besides lets face it your social life has most likely revolved around your ex – time to get a life again!
- Do what makes you happy!! Shopping makes me smile – so I’m shallow sorrynotsorry. The past 2-3 weeks if it’s not been sold out I own it. I am now the proud owner of the following
- Vegetable spiraliser – So I can make lovely zucchini spirals instead of real pasta because it’s healthy and I don’t wanna be single and fatter than normal
- 3 pairs of shoes – all were on sale and I had to have them
- 2 new sex toys – A nessecity in times like this
- 7 new dresses – I haven’t met a dress I didn’t like and these babies were calling my name!
- An iPad – which I really only use to browse/stalk facebook on and watch porn
- 4 new jackets – relax people, I got them for a steal (seriously I’m worried I’m purchasing stolen goods) on eBay
- New makeup – to make me look pretty!
- The most amazing outfit I had to call 5 stores to find…Can you believe Harem pants were sold out in my size in my state? I ended up getting them 2 states away and they arrived yesterday….They’re beautiful.
So that’s my tips…I definitely don’t recommend stalking your ex on facebook (or even the good old fashioned way – in person), or sleeping with your ex, drinking and drunk texting, or sleeping with someone else….Truth be told the best way to get over someone is to take long walks by the beach, breathe in fresh air, look in the mirror (and remember you’re alive), treat yourself to nice things and remember that it’s not the end, it’s only the beginning.