There are 3 men in my life right now….
Mr A Evans
Manly Matt is still in my head and I ran into him out with the girls on Saturday night. My head is scrambled eggs because of this man. I love him. We’re not together. He likes me but doesn’t know what he wants. Everyone tells me he’ll regret that we’re not together etc etc. But I need to remember the post I wrote those short weeks ago about why it isn’t going to work and I need to tell myself this: I deserve more! I’m just sad. My heart is broken because I love him and I had hoped that it would’ve worked.
Pauly is a recurring theme in my life of late. We dated briefly last year. He broke it off. Then we started again. Then I broke it off. We started fooling around with each other towards the end of the year and my silly heart began to crave more. He met someone else – I was hurt. We didn’t speak for almost a month. Then he broke it off with the new woman. We started to fool around again. I met MM and decided to make a go of it so Pauly and I stopped fooling around. MM and I broke up. I started fooling around with Pauly again…..The sex is so good. Amazing really, probably the best I’ve had in years. But there’s no depth – no craving to be with him, to see how his day is, no dreams of a future. We’re great mates but in the ‘bigger picture’ we want different things and I know I have to grow up and put him aside….I want to meet a man to fall in love with; if I continue to fool around with Pauly I’m not putting myself out there (not that I’m ready too but I know it’s no good for me or for him in the long run).
Mr A Evans is a man I’ve known for over 5 years. We were friends in Brisbane for years and then over the last 6 months of my time there we hooked up a few times. Each time the sex was amazing but he wasn’t interested in anything more (neither was I at the time) plus he was so inconsistent. 1 minute I could tell we were developing something then the next he’d step back. Over the years he has text me: everything from how am I all the way through to what he wants to do to me in bed. Some of those text exchanges were so hot I blush to think about them. But despite the numerous trips to Brisbane I take I haven’t actually set eyes on him in person in years. He’s like a pen pal – happy to stay in contact but makes no actual effort to sit down in person and build a real connection.
I know what I want now. I have real goals in my mind and I have a list of things I’m looking for in a partner….
- I want someone who likes (& will grow to love) my family
- Thanks to wise words from Rob from Weight2lose I want to find someone who can compromise…Relationships are all about compromise and generosity.
- Someone who loves their family & doesn’t have estrangement…. Or if they do why is this?
- Someone who makes me laugh and I can make laugh
- Someone who gets me & my level of crazy (esp my melt downs)
- Someone who is as generous as me – no more selfishness
- Someone who isn’t too proud to say I’m sorry
- Someone who shares their dreams & wants to know mine
- Someone who isn’t afraid of commitment
- Someone who has drive and ambition & wants to better their life
- Someone who is comfortable in physical intimacy – touching, snuggles, holding hands, kissing!
- Travel! He’ll want to explore & see the world.
- It won’t be easy but he’ll push me out of my comfort zone and make me a better person for it.
I also have a list of things I need to work on so that I’m better able to negotiate new relationships and most importantly not repeat mistakes….
- Don’t be afraid to speak your mind! What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll realise that they’re not the one for you.
- Don’t be afraid to be yourself and ask lots of questions….If you wanna know something just ask!
- Do say yes to new opportunities to meet new people! Don’t be afraid to try new things. Everyone gets scared and stressed about something new but jump right in…Anything can happen.
- Don’t be afraid to love or feel. My time with MM taught me a few very important things; it helped me identify what I want and it showed me I can love and feel again for another.