I’m still so very fragile about the end of manly Matt and I. I’m not in a good place – there’s not of pro-Brooke feelings right now. I feel unloveable, undesirable & I have a burning urge to yell out to the sky, ” Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you love me?”
I wonder if I’ll ever find what I’m searching for -love, passion, soul mate, builder & sharer of a life together, someone to grow old with, someone who I want (& they want too to) try and have a family with me.
I’m so tired of searching & then I catch myself as I remember to put it into perspective – there are others who have so much less than I. But this is my journey right now and I’m trying to work through it as best I can.
I had lunch yesterday with a beautiful friend Sharon. I met her years ago & despite the fact she’s the same age as my mum I consider her a dear friend. As we chatted she asked me if I was still seeing Matt. I told her no and I told her why this was… She simply listened… She didn’t call him an asshole, or tell me I deserve better, or even say there are plenty more fish in the sea (to the friends who have said these things thank you – I appreciate your thoughts). She just looked at me (the only way a mother can – she’s got 2 girls) and said …. “Have you considered coaching? I can approach some people I know. It could help – when your ready – to clarify what you want…. And to help you be more emotionally open, as we sometimes attract mirrors of ourselves. The last couple of relationships you’ve dated men who aren’t emotionally open or capable of building a lasting relationship with you”.
She then said, “You have all the answers within you – if you sat on the beach and put your hand on your heart I guarantee you would know this”.
Her words rang very true to me; I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help and sometimes a guiding hand is just what you need to help you find the clarity you’re seeking. We spoke some more and she also told me to work on me – love myself and know I’m worthy first. She said past relationship breakdowns leave their mark, they damage our self esteem but we can rebuild from this.
It might seem to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo to some but yesterday it was what I needed to hear. There is a lesson to be learnt in my breakup with Matt. In my peaceful moments I can smile at the good times and I know I was blessed to trust my heart again to someone. I can also see the flaws/mistakes I made and I know even if I was to openly and honestly tell him these and we could talk – there would still be that attraction – but we still wouldn’t work, he (like me) is too scared to open up in case he gets hurt.
Moving forward I’m focusing on me – I’m sure there will be some more bad days, more tears (I feel like I could go to bed for a week and cry)… But there’ll be good days too; laughter, travels, beautiful friends, dancing, off key singing, more crossfit classes, gallons of scotch and many packets of twisties…. These things always make me smile.