If you’ve been online dating recently you might’ve heard of a something called ‘ghosting’. You might’ve even ‘ghosted’ someone without knowing it.
“Ghosting” or “slow fading” describes the ending of a relationship by one party who gradually removes him or herself from the other person’s life—via canceled plans and decreased communication—until eventually, all communication ceases. The relationship ends, though there’s most often no formal explanation from the “ghoster.”
Check out this awesome graph about female and male ghosting habits:
I believe I’m being ghosted by two men I’ve recently been on dates with: The Moroccan and Just Jonathan. Both men have been texting me throughout the week and then as of Friday evening there hasn’t been any further contact. Nothing. Nada. Zip. The last bit of contact I had with either of them was a series of text messages to arrange a suitable time/place for a second date (separately and on different nights, of course).
I could be overreacting but my gut tells me a ghosting is occurring. Though maybe I’m not; maybe they just had super busy weekends working and having their own lives, and just didn’t find a spare 30 seconds to contact me via text. Also I noticed the other night Jonathan had deleted me from his list of contacts on POF. I had planned on asking him about this on our second date; especially as his messages were pretty flirtatious and I have no intention of sleeping with someone who is already planning his exit strategy via online dating, but alas I don’t believe there will be a date number two.
Basically they’re just not that into me and I should let it go. After all who wants to pursue something with a man who doesn’t take the time to check in on how your weekend is. I know I could’ve messaged them this myself to see how they were going but something (let’s call it a strong sense of self preservation and instinct) held me back. Who knows what’s changed; or if they just began to listen to the honesty voice inside of them and decided to step away.
I have enough confidence to know this situation is out of my control. I couldn’t have done anything differently – the result would’ve been the same. My actions haven’t caused this, I didn’t do anything wrong. Dating is a game of numbers and probability; this time the numbers just didn’t stack up.
I won’t deny it hurts. You go on a date with someone and have a great time; you’re interested, you want to see them again. Then there’s follow up post date and even the early stages of planning for date number two; then all of a sudden nothing. Contact is broken. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve checked my phone this past 96 hours.
I’ve ghosted 2 men myself: Mr Swan and Cheeky Steve. I didn’t meet either of them in person; I gave them my number to get in contact with the view to arrange a time to go on a date. Then they got a little weird and I realised I didn’t even want to meet them in person. So I deleted their old messages and did the same to any new ones.
Therefore in light of this I thought I’d share my thoughts on how to ‘break it off’ in the modern online dating era:
- If you give someone your number and then realise it might’ve been a mistake. Then it’s acceptable to not respond to messages and then delete/block the number.
- If you’ve gone a date or two (I believe in second chances) and not been intimate, then by all means text the person and tell them politely why you don’t want to see them again.
- If you’ve had more than a few dates and been intimate with someone then really a sit down conversation is respectful. The ideal response would be to send flowers (or a bottle of whiskey) with a note that says; “I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”
What do you think? Is it bad manners to just ignore someone? Should I change my behaviour when it comes to letting potential bacchies know I’m just not that interested (It has crossed my mind that it’s a karma for ghosting Mr Swan and Cheeky Steve)? Or should I just accept that this is the way it’s done?